Mommy Needs To Vent
Friday, August 12, 2005
A Mistake Worth Making
When I first found out I was pregnant, it was terrible. I couldn't sleep. What was I supposed to tell my mother? What was I supposed to do? Should I give him up for adoption or have an abortion? Then there was the father. What was I supposed to tell him? We had been dating for a year, but I was eighteen and didn't even take our relationship seriously. We had no plans for the future. I knew he would not be happy! All I wanted to do is wake up and realize that this was all just a nightmare and that my life would go right back into place.
After deciding that an abortion was out of the question...I told my mother. After a week I told the baby's father. No matter how much support they gave me, there was still doubt. I was still just a kid myself. How was I going to raise one? I still lived with my mother. I didn't have a job. I wasn't married. I just did not want the resposibility of raising a child. All my dreams and hopes were gone. I was a little frustrated with myself. How could anybody ever feel this way about a small innocent baby growing inside them? Finally, I came to the conclusion that I was going to at least try. I knew I loved children and its not that I just couldn't bear the thought of having one of my own, I just wasn't ready.
After finding out I was having a boy, I became very anxious. All those feelings were almost completely diminished. I just still did not know how I was going to take care of him.
Finally, the time came and my water broke. Labor was just like it was described to me. The worst pain I had ever come across. Was it ever going to end? I was not allowed to take any drugs and had him completely natural because his heartbeat had dropped very low. I guess this was God's way of punishing me, or was it his way of saying if I could get though this, I can get through anything? It is so funny that God made labor the worst pain a woman can go thru, and yet it is the one pain so easily forgotten. When it was over, I didn't even remember any of it.
"Does he have a name?" the doctor asked? It took me a moment to realize what had just happened. "Tyler," I finally replied. They handed me my little boy. He tried to open his tiny eyes, but the lights were too bright, so I shaded them with my hand. He opened them and looked right into my eyes, and I swore I heard the words, "Thank You." My heart melted as my eyes filled with tears of joy and relief. I knew at that moment that no matter what, everything was going to be ok.
I was blessed that November night. All the waiting and fear was gone. All my doubts of raising him had fallen into place. Now, if I start having any doubts, I strive to work harder because I have a good reason too. He has made me grow into a woman with patience and responsibility, things I didn't have five years ago. He was definitely not a mistake. I know how wrong I was to have never imagined my life with Tyler, and now I couldn't dream of going a second never knowing how my life would be without that piece of my heart.