Mommy Needs To Vent
Friday, August 12, 2005
A Mistake Worth Making
At eighteen it is easy to make mistakes. It is sorta funny, before that age everyone is saying that you are growing up too fast. When you get to that age, you just don't want to grow up. I was in my first semester of college, but even so, my friends and partying were my first priority. I was a pretty bad teenager, finding ways to get myself into trouble every day. Then one day I made a mistake that changed everything. At the time it was the biggest burden of my life, but on a cold November night, I realized that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.. It was 2:15 am and after nine months of stress and doubt, I was about to become a mother. There was no turning back now.
When I first found out I was pregnant, it was terrible. I couldn't sleep. What was I supposed to tell my mother? What was I supposed to do? Should I give him up for adoption or have an abortion? Then there was the father. What was I supposed to tell him? We had been dating for a year, but I was eighteen and didn't even take our relationship seriously. We had no plans for the future. I knew he would not be happy! All I wanted to do is wake up and realize that this was all just a nightmare and that my life would go right back into place.
After deciding that an abortion was out of the question...I told my mother. After a week I told the baby's father. No matter how much support they gave me, there was still doubt. I was still just a kid myself. How was I going to raise one? I still lived with my mother. I didn't have a job. I wasn't married. I just did not want the resposibility of raising a child. All my dreams and hopes were gone. I was a little frustrated with myself. How could anybody ever feel this way about a small innocent baby growing inside them? Finally, I came to the conclusion that I was going to at least try. I knew I loved children and its not that I just couldn't bear the thought of having one of my own, I just wasn't ready.
After finding out I was having a boy, I became very anxious. All those feelings were almost completely diminished. I just still did not know how I was going to take care of him.
Finally, the time came and my water broke. Labor was just like it was described to me. The worst pain I had ever come across. Was it ever going to end? I was not allowed to take any drugs and had him completely natural because his heartbeat had dropped very low. I guess this was God's way of punishing me, or was it his way of saying if I could get though this, I can get through anything? It is so funny that God made labor the worst pain a woman can go thru, and yet it is the one pain so easily forgotten. When it was over, I didn't even remember any of it.
"Does he have a name?" the doctor asked? It took me a moment to realize what had just happened. "Tyler," I finally replied. They handed me my little boy. He tried to open his tiny eyes, but the lights were too bright, so I shaded them with my hand. He opened them and looked right into my eyes, and I swore I heard the words, "Thank You." My heart melted as my eyes filled with tears of joy and relief. I knew at that moment that no matter what, everything was going to be ok.
I was blessed that November night. All the waiting and fear was gone. All my doubts of raising him had fallen into place. Now, if I start having any doubts, I strive to work harder because I have a good reason too. He has made me grow into a woman with patience and responsibility, things I didn't have five years ago. He was definitely not a mistake. I know how wrong I was to have never imagined my life with Tyler, and now I couldn't dream of going a second never knowing how my life would be without that piece of my heart.
When I first found out I was pregnant, it was terrible. I couldn't sleep. What was I supposed to tell my mother? What was I supposed to do? Should I give him up for adoption or have an abortion? Then there was the father. What was I supposed to tell him? We had been dating for a year, but I was eighteen and didn't even take our relationship seriously. We had no plans for the future. I knew he would not be happy! All I wanted to do is wake up and realize that this was all just a nightmare and that my life would go right back into place.
After deciding that an abortion was out of the question...I told my mother. After a week I told the baby's father. No matter how much support they gave me, there was still doubt. I was still just a kid myself. How was I going to raise one? I still lived with my mother. I didn't have a job. I wasn't married. I just did not want the resposibility of raising a child. All my dreams and hopes were gone. I was a little frustrated with myself. How could anybody ever feel this way about a small innocent baby growing inside them? Finally, I came to the conclusion that I was going to at least try. I knew I loved children and its not that I just couldn't bear the thought of having one of my own, I just wasn't ready.
After finding out I was having a boy, I became very anxious. All those feelings were almost completely diminished. I just still did not know how I was going to take care of him.
Finally, the time came and my water broke. Labor was just like it was described to me. The worst pain I had ever come across. Was it ever going to end? I was not allowed to take any drugs and had him completely natural because his heartbeat had dropped very low. I guess this was God's way of punishing me, or was it his way of saying if I could get though this, I can get through anything? It is so funny that God made labor the worst pain a woman can go thru, and yet it is the one pain so easily forgotten. When it was over, I didn't even remember any of it.
"Does he have a name?" the doctor asked? It took me a moment to realize what had just happened. "Tyler," I finally replied. They handed me my little boy. He tried to open his tiny eyes, but the lights were too bright, so I shaded them with my hand. He opened them and looked right into my eyes, and I swore I heard the words, "Thank You." My heart melted as my eyes filled with tears of joy and relief. I knew at that moment that no matter what, everything was going to be ok.
I was blessed that November night. All the waiting and fear was gone. All my doubts of raising him had fallen into place. Now, if I start having any doubts, I strive to work harder because I have a good reason too. He has made me grow into a woman with patience and responsibility, things I didn't have five years ago. He was definitely not a mistake. I know how wrong I was to have never imagined my life with Tyler, and now I couldn't dream of going a second never knowing how my life would be without that piece of my heart.
posted by Tasha, 8/12/2005 04:45:00 PM
2 Comments:
It was a blessing in diguise. That scared, spoiled little girl grew up into a beautiful, loving wonderful mother and wife. I ought to know . Im her mother in law and the grandma of that little boy.
It was a blessing in disguise. It turned a scared spoiled little girl into a beautiful, loving and smart wife and mother. I ought to know because I am her mother in law and that little boy is my grandson.
